Emotions

Where do I begin? Today turned out to be an incredibly emotional day and I didn't see it coming. What you need to know is that almost 4 weeks ago my good friend April moved to Wisconsin. I'm so sad she had to leave (she and her husband were called to another church) and I miss her. I know it will be okay but in the mean time it takes some getting used to. Today was probably the first day that I really felt her absense.

Last year April and I co-lead a group at MOMS. It was really fun. I know for sure that God used her to get me involved with MOMS. She invited me to come to my first MOMS meeting when Lily was just 3 months old. And a year later I was invited to be on the leadership team.

Leading with April was a lot of fun and it was comfortable for me. So one reason (of the many) that I'll miss April is that she won't be at MOMS with me this year. It'll definitely feel different. It's another adjustment.

Anyway, today was our leadership team brunch. We get together at the beginning of the year to catch up on what each other has been up to over the summer and get re-acquainted. I had to drop Lily off at the church for childcare. In the past she looked forward to seeing Emma (April's daughter) at MOMS events (or any event!) and it always helped Lily if Emma was there. She would say with delight, "Emma!" and off she'd go. Well today Emma wasn't there and that made me sad right off the bat. Lily wasn't sure about being left in that room full of other kids and I couldn't help but think how different it would have been if Emma had been there. Tears came to my eyes and I hugged Lily a little tighter and felt sad. Her best buddy has disappeared and I don't know how much she understands.

I rode over to where the brunch took place with two other gals which was probably a blessing. I might have cried the whole way there if I'd driven by myself. It was a good distraction and so I was good to go. Or so I thought. When we got there I got some coffee and started visiting with various women. But two separate times I was asked a question about April and would you believe it, I started crying! I couldn't keep it together. We assembled as a whole group and were asked to introduce ourselves (there were a couple new gals) and talk about transitions happening in our lives or ways that we're shifting gears and where we see God at work through it. Oh dear! I really enjoyed what the other women had to say and it was so nice to get an update on their lives. And when it was my turn my introduction went okay and then I told them I'd try not to cry but it was hopeless. I shared that a major transition in my life is the "loss" of my friend and co-leader April. I really felt her absense at that brunch today. In the context of MOMS I know that this year I will be pushed out of my comfort zone. I expect it to be uncomfortable sometimes but I honestly look forward to the growth in my life! What I told the ladies today is that I'd like to be able to look back a year from now and see what God did in my life. I do believe that He works all things together for good and that this is what is best for me in the grand scheme of things. He sees the Big Picture and I do not. I trust Him even when I for sure don't understand what the good for me will be in the end.

So anyway. I do miss April. And I feel like today was another step in the process of grieving and letting go. It was incredibly emotional and I honestly didn't see that coming. I cried several more times throughout the day at the drop of a hat. I could hardly believe how much I cried. I think it was healthy and I feel like when I wake up in the morning I'll be glad that I was able to let the tears come. I can't promise I won't cry about missing April again, but today was progress for me.